Sometimes I fear that I won’t ever be beautiful enough because I’m black
It sounds stupid right? But it’s how I feel.
I joke about it with my friends all the time, but being a black woman in today’s world is almost a curse. No one really appreciates a strong, independent, open minded black woman, or they at least don’t take her seriously. They wait for the moment when she gets ticked enough to “go ghetto” or her black counterparts make fun of her because she acts “too good” for her “ghetto” friends.
But why does it have to be like that? Seriously it is so lame. I guess I am only thinking like this because of some of the things I’ve experienced in the past few days. I was talking (not like that…well not really anyway) to this really cool guy named Ray and he met every thing on my mini checklist (except he smoked weed) and he was just a sweetheart, well the other night I decided to get bold and ask him why a guy like him was talking to a “thicker black chick like me” he said “why not” and honestly it made me smile, that he didn’t really care, but then he got drunk and called me (awk) and admitted he was scared of what people would think and all this shit (he’s a super cute, hipster looking white guy btdubs). Basically it ended in my favorite line, you know the “you’re a great girl, just not for me” or the “any guy would be lucky to have you”
Really bitch? Really? Any guy, but you right?
My thing is why does it matter so much to people? I thought it was just a Fishers, IN thing, but clearly it isn’t. No one ever wants to date the black girl.
Especially one like me that’s lost in translation. I’m “too black” for the white guys (or non black guys) but not “black enough” for the black guys. Like what the hell? I’m not fat, but I’m “thick” but not in the right places for some, but for others, it’s perfect.
Oh and then there’s the “you’re cute, ya know for a black girl”
Uhhhh what? What’s that supposed to mean? Why can’t I just be cute, why do I have to be cute for a black girl?
I was raised to believe that black is beautiful, in fact I was raised to believe that all races, ethnicities, religions and sexual orientations were beautiful. When I see a guy, yeah I notice his race, but do I care? No, not at all. If you’re cute you’re cute, I don’t care what color you are and neither would my family.
I just feel like as a black woman I don’t get the same respect. People are constantly writing me off and magazines are still only portraying light skinned women with long straight weaves, not women with kinky short twists or long curly locks. Society tells me that I should be proud of who I am, but only to a certain extent and most of the time I accept that, but I’m sick of it.
When it comes down to it, it’s not even about the fact that I’m single (even though I would like that to change) it’s that after spending 8 months working on my mental and physical health (and still working on it of course) I still look in the mirror somedays and absolutely HATE what I see all because of my skin color, something that I can’t control.
To be honest, it’s even harder being black in college that it was back home. Yes, there are more black people on campus, but unfortunately (or fortunately) I don’t fit that stereotype and so most black guys write me off and most white guys (or just non black guys) assume that I act a certain way before they even get to know me.
I don’t know, maybe this post doesn’t even make any fucking sense, but I just had to get my thoughts on this subject out in the open.
I love the idea of interracial relationships no matter what races are involved, I just wish that in 2012 it still wasn’t such a problem.